Raising a secure child

Based on decades of attachment research, the Circle of Security was created as a visual graphic by three U.S. professors to make the behaviors and needs of our child easy for all of us to recognize.

 

Let’s start with hands you can see on the Circle. It’s always important to remember that caregivers are those Hands. Our children need us to be bigger and stronger so they can feel safe, knowing that someone is willing and able to protect them. At the same time, our children also need us to be kind. Our wisdom shows up in giving our children access to the no nonsense tenderness that leads to security.

 

Next, let’s now get acquainted with the specific needs on the upper part of the Circle. When children feel safe and secure their curiosity automatically kicks in and they want to learn about the world. Before they set off to explore, children need a sense that we are giving them our full support to go out and discover their new world.

 

Watch over me

When our children are exploring, sometimes they just need us to be available without any interruption on our part. These are “Watch Over Me” moments. It might seem like we’re not doing anything, but our relaxed presence is actually what makes their discovery and learning possible.

 

Delight in me

Our children need to know that we find delight in them for no other reason than they are simply being who they are. These are “Delight in me: moment. Because our delight doesn’t have to do with how well our child does something, it helps build a well-ingrained sense of self-worth in our children.

 

Help me

Sometimes our children need our help when they are exploring, In these ”Help Me” moments our children need just enough from us to learn to do new tasks by themselves.

 

Enjoy with me

At other times, our children simply want us to take pleasure in them or to play with them, which are “enjoy with me” moments on the Circle. These shared moments give our children the message that we are available and interested in all that they are doing and learning.

 

When children become tired, frightened, uncomfortable, they lose their interest in exploring. They are now on the bottom half of the Circle.

 

Protect Me

Sometimes our children come in to us because they are frightened. These are “Protect Me” moments on the Circle.

 

Comfort Me

Children have a need for tenderness and soothing many times throughout the day. These are “Comfort Me” moments on the Circle.

 

Delight in Me

“Delight in me” is also on the bottom of the Circle. It is repeated on both the top and bottom because our children need us to delight in who they are when they are going out and coming in.

 

Organize My feelings

Finally, sometimes our children need us to help them make sense of their emotions. These are “Organize My Feelings” moments. By teaching our children that they’re not alone in their feelings, they learn to trust and share their emotions, without being overwhelmed by them. This learning will stay with them throughout their lives.

 

With each round our relationship grows stronger and our child feels increasingly secure.

 

Cooper, Hoffman & Powell. (2009). COS-P Facilitator DVD Manual 5.0. Spokane, USA: Author